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"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

"The woman on the fire escape who acted like it was a balcony"

"I decided to go all out on the house decorations this year."

"This is a clever little shop. It makes you think it would be fun to own a lamp."

Decorated officer - 'And these are for keeping my pants up.'

"Dad! Dad! It's freezing out here! I wish we had a fireplace to get all cozy and roast marshmallows!"

"Like my new haircut?"

"I don't know the Latin, but the common name is climbing onion."

'...so I simply combined my love of beards with my love of tattoos and this was the result!'

'She dressed herself this morning.'

"Except for that wall socket, the whole damn thing is a trompe-l'oeil."

"Well, we're down to bare brick, natural wood, and raw nerves."

"And it comes with a coin filter for when you vacuum under the cushions."

'This was designed for people who have mastered easy chairs and want to attempt something more difficult.'

"This aquarium is such a nice prison."

There's a Facebook group for everyone... "Even Toilet Paper Mummies!"

Creative family

"Our smart home sure is sensitive. Every time I hammer a nail in the wall it screams."

New! Paint Bombs: 'Light the wick, and you have paint that's extremely easy to apply!'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'How are you doing on your side?'

'He doesn't seem to like my haircut.'

"It's expensive because it connects to the internet."

"I've upcycled your magazines into an ottoman."

"We hired all the designers ourselves."

Television company new recruit

"Anyone who laughs at my new haircut will be subjected to immediate termination."

A new meaning in the Roman

'Welcome home, dear. While you were away I redecorated...'

'Ed says the 'smart money isn't buying furniture right now.'

"Just imagine this room fully carpeted with multi-level platforms and cubbies."

Self Serve Road Repair.

"If you don't want the light to keep shining in your eyes, stop asking me how much longer I'm going to read."