Death Positivity Advocate Gifts

"Burial or cremation?"

"You measured him! Does it shut?"

Coroner spraying deodorant on dead body.

"He figured more people would attend if we called it a celebration of his death."

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

This cream won't get rid of cellulite...it just makes it easier to slide into your jeans.

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"Eventually, you'll learn to hate your body, then love it again, then hate it—and back and forth until the beach becomes very complicated."

"Privates Beach"

'Amazing! We truly do live in a classless society.'

Critisize your weight.

YOLO vs YODO

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

Breast Height Chart

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

'Good grief! Aren't you extinct yet?'

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

'I gotta lose some weight.'

"That's a big fat lie!"

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

"I really didn't have a weight problem until they invented skinny jeans."

"I don't think anyone will notice your ninty seven pound lime green lycra swimming trunks Terry."

'I'm feeling so good, I'm worried I may catch some uplift anxiety.'

"I don't care what it was or how hard it was to kill. It makes me look fat."

"When you're healed, I'm going to wear it so I can't see what I weigh."

Aging Problems

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

Hips may appear larger than they actually are.

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I Liked It Better When They Didn't Shave Their Armpits.'

'Good News. Further x-rays revealed the big shadow on your lung to your stomach.'