Dating Ponderer Pillows

"Frances tells me you're a communications major."

I asked a lady if she wanted to grab a kale smoothie with me. She totally ignored me. Of course she did. Very few ladies are interested in a guy who latches on to the latest fads. It suggests you've got a roving eye, and you'll leave her for someone new later on. Most women like a man who's "classic." Solid. Reliable. Unmoved by the ever-changing winds. That's why I eat nothing but nuts, berries and hippos. If it was good enough for the cavemen, it's good enough for me. I thought cavemen ate bro

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

'...And then, I guess our relationship got TOO meaningful.'

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

"Look - I'm cold, you're cold. Why don't we settle down and start a family?"

"Hello - I'm from the future..."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

Max Weber

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"I'll give you my unconditional love - on one condition."

It'll never work - you're LED and I'm plasma.

"A cluck cluck here and a cluck cluck there,...is that all I meant to you?"

"Of course it's only prediction, we can't guarantee anything."

'You have to do something...My husband just doesn't look at me the way he used to.'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

I see

Meaningful...Meaningless relationships.

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

"We're taking separate vacations this year."

"Have you seen my wife?"

"Oh Adam. This is the second...sorry, I mean third happiest day of my life."

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

"I see you coming into money, at least 50p for a cup of tea."

"Being a celebrated artist, I do sometimes wonder why you never celebrate me."

Caption Contest TK