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'He's wearing a toupee.'

"Why do they do that?"

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

What's normal?

"I lost my taste for his homework when it came burned on a CD."

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"You're hogging the covers again!"

'I'm wrapping it tightly to keep the ankle from swelling.'

Drive in movies.

I'm your girlfriend and best friend so I get twice as many slices

What's your thumb doing on my steak? Want me to drop it again?

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'I have the result of your cost-benefit analysis. You should have retired four years ago.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"It's the wine talking. I stopped speaking to you twenty minutes ago due to lack of interest."

'That's the last time I'm sitting in the front row!'

'I'd like to return this shredder.'

'You have bullseye rash. take this medicine twice a day and stay away from dart games.'

"Congratulations! You've told the same joke one thousand times!"

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

"That was a great kiss, Joey...but can I have my gum back please?"

"Let me slip into something more humorous."

'Evolution may be a good idea, but how will we FUND it?'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

What could have been quite possibly the most hilarious dog joke ever is interrupted by. . . 'So I said, that's no bone, that's my. . . squirrel!'

"So, I said to the lion, 'You want proof laughter ensures emotional health?... Ever seen a hyena in therapy?!'"

'This would be so romantic if we weren't married to each other.'

Clown in supermarket looking at a tin of Canned Laughter.

Today, we'll talk with Professor Ernie about some lesser known units of measurement. Let's start with the "light-year." A 'light-year" is a unit of time measuring how long somebody stays on their diet. In most cases, it's counted in small fractions. No, a light year is a unit of length equal to the distance light travels in a year, about six trillion miles. What about the "angstrom"? The "angstrom" is a measurement of anxiety levels! Incorrect again. It's another unit of length --- It's

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

School of hard knocks: Mail box 'Knock-knock jokes'