Dating App Guru Pillows

"Eh, left."

Why put an unflattering picture of yourself on a dating site? I'm hoping opposites attract.

Any suggestions for my online profile? Don't describe your speed dating experience as "hanging out with fast women."

'En-counter'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'The meaning of communinication is the response we get'

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

Relationship Warning Lights

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

'You know too much!'

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"I think we'd make a good team!"

$1: Family Secrets

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"If you let down your guard, I'll walk over the moat."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."