Data Wiper Pillows

Why are you waving that big magnet over my hard drive?

British savings accounts

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

"Don’t you eyeball me, Ed! That’s right, look down at the table. Only technicians who remember to back up the data can look at me! And if you start to cry I will fire you!"

"The date protection policy is all about access to information, and we all know information is POWER!"

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

'Is there such a thing as over communicating?'

'We have some facts about you that you don't remember, some that you thought were really secret, and some that never even happened.'

"You're in luck...I've unearthed those payroll records from 3 years ago."

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

Macho talk from down in accounting.

'...and what's more, my databank has more data than your databank.'

"I've entered your PIN for you. "

Businessman dreaming of pie charts when he sees a pizza.

'So...worked in 'IT' long?'

"They're worse than carpenter ants. We have hacker ants."

"That guys is stealing my data!"

STRIP Hambone: Number cruncher

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

'We have to be forthright with the public. We have to have their confidence. We have to convince them we're working for the common good. Then we can invade their privacy.'

"Stop! Information overload. I need to rebuffer."

'Frankly, I'm a little concerned.'

'Look over my shoulder and die!'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

"Don't mind me, folks, I'm just here for regular system maintenance."

Information Security

"Please enter the last 4 digits of your SSN...or enter all 9. They're all over the dark web."

"Finally, a co-worker who CAN handle Big data!"

'There's more information available now than ever before. I can only block out so much of it.'

"That's a zombie, alright. But he's the worst kind. He doesn't eat brains, he eats data."

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.