Data-driven Comedians Pillows

'Much like my hairline and waistline, our numbers are trending in the wrong direction.'

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

'Maybe we need new profit charts?'

'So, what do you want to be when you grow up: rebel scum or loyal servant of the supreme android republic?'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

Giggle.

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

Football Delivery

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

'This red line indicates the change in this red line over a period of time,'

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

Bar chart

"After seeing the benefits of web analytics, Amy hoped to learn something by attaching cookies to customers who visited her store."

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

#NoJunk

"We've been married 32 years. How can you possibly still be in beta?"

Printout in a genetics laboratory forming dna double helix

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

Memory Foam Mattress.

"Hey, Venn - back off! I'm a pie chart."

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

Certificate in Living Room Celebrating Three Days Without Argument

Pie company: 'Each slice of the pie represents slices of pie.'

"You have your emotional support animal and I have mine."

Fencing Venn Graph

'It's 'any little boy CAN grow up to be President ' -- It's not a REQUIREMENT.'