Data Defender Gifts

"Maybe you should disable your cookies, Steve."

Cutting out the middleman

'I have the MRI scan of your brain. The right hemisphere is clogged with computer passwords.'

'We have to be forthright with the public. We have to have their confidence. We have to convince them we're working for the common good. Then we can invade their privacy.'

Data mine - Gold mine.

"Always remember, sweetheart, that when the service is free, YOU'RE the product!"

'Hello, Mr. Thomas! We noticed you've recently been mugged! Hey, there's no better time than now to consider purchasing our identity theft protection insurance!...'

'Let me introduce you to James, our data steward, Bill, our data custodian, and 'Moose,' our data bodyguard.'

"I'm making sure my hard drive's car of any data."

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

"I appreciate how you've protected my privacy, Doc. I'm gonna tell everybody about it on my medical rating website!"

"No, I'm not writing a short story. That's my password."

Privacy Conference Security

"We understand you're not happy with our privacy policy."

'Gimme all your cache!'

"This is pretty strong language, Mike. I trust you've got numbers to support it, and MOST importantly, to back-peddle away from it if we have to?"

"You're asking for some pretty detailed information. Have your hackers gotten more demanding?"

Facial Recognition

"You think they all look like security risks."

"Thank you for inputting your details...we now have complete control over your entire life...have a nice day..."

'I'll also need your home address, phone number and social security number.'

The six stages of hard drive death and dying.

"...How do you feel about anyone anywhere having access to your data?"

'You're insecure because your data is unsecured.'

"You clicked a box on your phone allowing us to use your location."

"...and after you've secured the documents in the cloud..."

"This hacking is getting out of control. Do we have any nude photos in the cloud?"

"So you want all my personal data - contacts, sexual preferences, dodgy-website visits, voting habits..."

Stealing digital data from computers.

"Your call may be monitored by the CIA, NSA, Russians, Chinese, space aliens..."

"Invasion of privacy? You should be flattered we're so concerned about satisfying your consumer desires!"

Data Processing and Data Suppression

Facebook/Cambridge Analytica Scandal

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

"The date protection policy is all about access to information, and we all know information is POWER!"