Dairy Dodgers Pillows

Dan was becoming increasingly lactose intolerant.

'I'm worried about him, he eats his vegetables, but not his dessert!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"You keep fumblin' with that bra, Cowboy, and you're never gettin' to second base."

"Which end does the diaper go on 'cause there's stuff comin' out of both of 'em!"

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

A genie helps a man fold laundry.

"I cloned myself to take care of my Thanksgiving duties while I watch football in peace."

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

Also I don't like coffee, so I'll be working through my coffee breaks.

"It's your turn to change his diaper!"

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'How can he remember 37 passwords but always forget to pick his clothes up off the floor?'

"My doctor thinks I should lose weight but everyone at the doughnut shop said she's crazy."

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

Never Ask A Man To Change The Baby.

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

'Whew! Looks like the Tuna Surprise isn't much of a hit!'

"Sorry Matilda, but we're going to have to let you go...on the bright side, I hear they're hiring over at Chik-Fi

Lactose is Good. Lactose intolerance isn't something you protest against, Ernie.

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

Motivation

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

Slimming Club: New Members Entry.

Wild life liberation front take 'live yoghurt' from shop.

What's in the milk today?