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Things Dads Teach You

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

"Look, honey, I got dinner on line!"

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

Next to Nothing

'That's a picture of my granddad with shoulder length hair and a beard. That's why mom calls these albums hair looms.'

"I love my new tie! I'll wear it to work tomorrow." "The report'll be done shortly." "Excellent!"

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

Note Book

Official Team Cap With Beard

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"

"It's a dependent!"

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

"OK...what's the quickest way to the hospital?"

Looky... It's Bat'minton... I'll see myself out."

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

"Congratulations! You've told the same joke one thousand times!"

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

"Have you seen my wife?"

"Okay, I'll change your diaper, but you better not tell any of my patients."

"No sign of Simba?"

"I don't ever want you taken away, son. Never get into subtraction."

Child on a schedule.

'Dad, I need help with chemistry, what's the periodic table?'

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

'In this rare photo of President Bush standing beside former President Clinton, one can't help but notice how the weight of office has grayed their hair.'

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

"Oh no, the lectern and microphone. I get the feeling I'm getting another one of your boring life lectures."

"What happens if you get the headphones in the wrong ear?"