Dad Jokes Connoisseur Gifts

Things Dads Teach You

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

"Look, honey, I got dinner on line!"

Next to Nothing

"I love my new tie! I'll wear it to work tomorrow." "The report'll be done shortly." "Excellent!"

'That's a picture of my granddad with shoulder length hair and a beard. That's why mom calls these albums hair looms.'

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Note Book

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"

Official Team Cap With Beard

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

"It's a dependent!"

"OK...what's the quickest way to the hospital?"

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

Looky... It's Bat'minton... I'll see myself out."

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

"Congratulations! You've told the same joke one thousand times!"

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

"Okay, I'll change your diaper, but you better not tell any of my patients."

"Have you seen my wife?"

"No sign of Simba?"

"I don't ever want you taken away, son. Never get into subtraction."

Child on a schedule.

'Dad, I need help with chemistry, what's the periodic table?'

"Oh no, the lectern and microphone. I get the feeling I'm getting another one of your boring life lectures."

'In this rare photo of President Bush standing beside former President Clinton, one can't help but notice how the weight of office has grayed their hair.'

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

"What happens if you get the headphones in the wrong ear?"

'Must you find fault every time she brings a boyfriend home?'