Cynical Wit Appreciator Pillows

'So you got dumped. So what? There are plenty more fish in the sea.' ''Yeah? The why did they introduce quotas?'

"Touché"

Who's gone medieval on our ass?

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Big business is not evil

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"I don't think you have a case. It's only slander if it's not true, and I've heard you play."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Pick your own fruit or worms.

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

Starving Artist Show has paintings of food.

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"I have nothing to hide."

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

"Everything has been done to death."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

'It's a good job I was trapped by my wooden leg and not my good one, son!'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."

'Wow! This style of writing went out back in the seventies!'

'Scaling back public healthcare would be fine, but they'd better not mess with our congressional perks...'