Cynical Wit Appreciator Pillows

'So you got dumped. So what? There are plenty more fish in the sea.' ''Yeah? The why did they introduce quotas?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Touché"

Who's gone medieval on our ass?

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

Big business is not evil

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"I don't think you have a case. It's only slander if it's not true, and I've heard you play."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Pick your own fruit or worms.

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

Starving Artist Show has paintings of food.

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

"I have nothing to hide."

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

'There's always a catch'

'It's a good job I was trapped by my wooden leg and not my good one, son!'

"Everything has been done to death."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'Wow! This style of writing went out back in the seventies!'

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."