Cynical Foodie Pillows

Man walks into a restaurant with a sign saying "Billy Bob's Diner - We don't let the federal government tell us what to do with our tainted beef".

'The food in here does taste like home cooking - I'm not leaving a tip!'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

The Witches Discover The Wok

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

HELLth Food Sprouts

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

Vegetables VS Junk Food.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Pardon, I should have been more specific...is everything all right with THE MEAL?"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

'It counts as one of your five portions a day.'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you Simpkins. You're not good for business.'

"Sometimes I come up here and think about the great meals I've eaten."

Seminar on Obesity in the Workplace.

'I think our marriage would make a great country song.'

"I don't like the food here, but the photos I paot make my friends envious."

Hospital food. Because you're just not sick enough.

'Two beef and pork by-products and a turkey dog, please!'

Conchiglie

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

'Grate two hundred grammes of cheddar cheese...' - 'Uh-oh.' - 'Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...' - 'Cheese gives me nightmares.' - 'Argh!!! No!!! Make it stop!! I can't take the pain!! No!! Arghhhh!!!'

'Half mushroom and half plankton!'

'At $12 a glass, I want it to spit out what it drank.'

What do you mean it's not vegetarian? The maggots all jump out...

'If you haven't got a low fat, organic, calorie free, ethically produced, free range option... I'll have the double chocolate cheesecake.'

'Horsemeat in pies, eh, sir, who can you trust nowadays?'

Recipes from The I-Seriously-Don't-Care Cookbook.