Customs Pillows

'Arghhh! He's got no face!'

'Are you sure you're not wearing anything you bought overseas?'

"Every year the beings on this planet eat one of these on the day they were calibrated."

"It's customary to at least buy something before you take all the pennies."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

UK border controls relaxed.

Collies Without Borders

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

The Family Joules: Part 6

Vaccination Passport

'French hypermarket' ' 5 English or less' till

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

'It's one of our new technology rings, it allows you to download karats.'

"Don't worry. If we're too late, we can always catch the secondary screening."

"Did you unpack your baggage yourself?"

'I'll take the one on the right.'

A pocket of pygmies - "Have you anything to declare sir?"

"His name? It's 'Reggie the Drug-Sniffing Dog.'"

"More?"

"A classic lowrider bike usually is built on a late 1960's Schwinn 20-inch frame."

'I have nothing to declare... Okay, I liked Maui better.'

"What makes you think this could be a suspect package?"

'Anything to declare?'

"I need a vacation. Everything is starting to smell like a bomb to me."

"It's marzipan pigs."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

"This says you should expect to spend six months and at least $800 building the perfect lowrider bike."

HM Customs and Excise - 'One of the few things you can see from space is the great wall of Chinese imports.'

'Since you're wearing cargo pants, everything in your pockets is considered cargo and subject to a tariff.'

"Are you carrying any food, plants or dangerous ideas about a more equitable health care system?"

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

'He's a sniffer dog-trained to sniff out dope.'

Waiter, what's this photograph of Jeff Goldblum doing in my soup? He starred in the remake of "The Fly." Personally, I prefer Al (David) Hedison in the original.

Why used clothing should be declared a dangerous weapon...