Cultural Comic Gifts

'My wife doesn't understand me - she's Japanese.'

Jewish hospitals

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'Yes, all at once!'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"Fangul." Italian sausage.

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

Jim Carrey,

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

Allergy Information: May contain traces of nuts, soya, child bones.

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

Dog training

'Do we want to apply for a credit card that plays the song 'Money Makes The World Go Around' every time it is swiped?'

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

"It's late. I am not getting into another heated discussion with you."

'All of your references say you play well with others, but there's nothing in here about you actually doing any work.'

'This company wants someone who can screw the clients but who is quite happy to be screwed by me.'

"Hold your questions until I've talked so long no one knows or cares what you're asking about."

The Scottish Lawn

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

John Cleese.