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"All the world’s a stage, and we merely the actors/waiters."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Does this thing get channel four.'

'I told you not to complain about the hospital food!'

'and then stand in dish for two hours.'

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

A tureen of chefs

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

'I hope it's okay -- the cookbook had some really confusing abbreviations.'

"Ooops...well, at least you now can see that there are a lot of fresh mushrooms in our soup!"

Cafe offers corn several ways.

"1 pinch of salt, 3 pinches of baking soda...oh dear, a cup of flour? How many pinches is that?"

Road Kill Cafe.

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

"Hmmm, I'm not sure – I’ll ask our chef when he sobers up."

'We need more cake shows!'

Not that one. It's got the chips in it.

"Potatoes too salty? Look, buster ??" I told you to enjoy your meal!"

'I think the microwave has finally given up the ghost.'

Cedric instantly regretted 'pumping up the jam...'

'3 hamburgers, 2 servings of fries, 1 vanilla shake...'

"Freshly ground pepper, sir?"

"With this table monitor, you can watch the chefs prepare your meal. Look, another slice of frozen lasagna being microwaved."

The Cheese God