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Diner. Special: Seizure Salad. It's probably a type, but I'm not going to risk it.

Waiter carrying a smoking plate to a table of firefighters.

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'Your French dip, sir.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"States of tofu"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

6 Brothers Falafel

Chez Nous Menu

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

Wife: 'Ah, honey.....why are you covered in raw fish and rice?' Husband: 'Oh I was running late for the 6:15 and got on a darn sush train by mistake!'

"Would you like some wings?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Cookbooks

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Ninja bread men"

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

Hot Pie Therapy

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"Beanirrito"