Culinary Diva Pillows

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

"Where do we put Desserts?"

La Table

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Burger Queen: The Patriarchy is Dead.

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

Happy Knife, Happy Wife

"I come here for the pepper."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"It comes with a small Greek salad."

The Classy Dog: 'Dine & dance hotdogs: '50 cents a dance'.

'I really can't stay for dessert. Why don't you stay and DVR the rest of the date for me?'

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

"Hmm...I LOVE chocolate chip ice cream...!"

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

'Thanksgiving's no holiday for turkeys or the women who cook them.'

"It was wonderful, Henri. Arnold had died and gone to heaven."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

The dress uniform of the Catering Corps

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"Are you sure you want to see the kitchen? The chef is naked."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Tell me what you think of the menu. I wrote it."

Mother to son, regarding stolen cake: 'I don't need to check anything with 'the boys in forensics' I know it was you.'