Culinary Criticism Pillows

"I think I'll just leave a hate tip."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Is the MSG local?"

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Too much cilantro

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

Countervailing Clichés.

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

Mrs. Robot attempts to improve her family's diet.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

"This alphabet soup is in Times New Roman. I ordered Segoe Script! May I please speak to the chef?"