Culinary Bard Gifts

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

"The menu simply says 'Fried Fish.' I'm waiting for you to provide the lyrical description."

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"States of tofu"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

6 Brothers Falafel

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Chez Nous Menu

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"Would you like some wings?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Cookbooks

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Ninja bread men"

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'