Crowdfunding Comedians T-Shirts

I've decided to get Elon Musk to send me for a trip around the moon in two years. I set up a Gofundme page to crowdsource money for it. My goal is to raise ten billion dollars. That shouldn't be too hard, considering there are seven billion people on earth. Non of whom are going to give you a dime. I hope not. That would only come to seven hundred million. Annoyed? How'd you like to send me far away? Here's a link to my Gofundme.

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

Kick me

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

"Till death do us part? Hers or mine?"

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

'Darn, all these coupons are expired. We could have saved 50 cents on 9 cans of dog food.' 'We don't have a dog.'

Memory Foam Mattress.

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

'You know I hate weddings - they remind me that I went through one!'

'Whoa! Time out. The loud guy in the white shirt is right - that was a ball. My mistake. Sorry everyone. Thank you, sir.'

Wedding Coin Tosser

'All profits go directly to charity'

"My research on the effects of total inactivity in humans is nearing a breakthrough. Just one more 5-year grant should do it."

"The neighborhood association wants to know why you're never at our meetings."

'Hey partner, you're building your brand with stolen content.'

'Bascombe has put all his mutual fund assets into a blind trust, but it was set up so well he can't even locate it.'

'We were getting along fine and then she wanted me to get a job.'

Bankruptcy court

"Business is terrible. I've already had to refill with red ink two times this month."

'I wish my marriage was 'catch and release'!'

'Well £60 million is LESS than I'm used to...but now that we've agreed my bonus, what working capital will the Bank have?'

"We saw a light so we dropped in."

Scavenenger's hunt.

Houdini.

You have back-breaking syndrome. Throw away your credit cards, refinance your mortgage and switch the kids out of private schools into public schools.

'A withdrawal? †Oh, the cut-and-run type, eh?'

"I take it the wedding chapel is to the right?"

"Do I have fourteen days to change my mind if I don't like being married?"

'I hope our fence won't cause a conflict.'

'He's right, you know. You're not allowed to bring a date to your own wedding.'

Middle-aged dreidels