Lending Comedians T-Shirts

'Sorry, we can't do you a 200 mortgage!'

"It was better before God took up knitting."

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"I was finishing my homework in the shower to save time!"

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

'Darn, all these coupons are expired. We could have saved 50 cents on 9 cans of dog food.' 'We don't have a dog.'

"Does this mean my loan has not been approved?"

'When a doctor looks in your ear with that pointy thing- what's he looking for...?'

"How much of this stuff can I eat before it can no longer be returned?"

Outlaw Quilting Bees

'You've been approved for your loan, Mr. Root. We'd like to hold your nuts as collateral.'

Memory Foam Mattress.

"You have your emotional support animal and I have mine."

Certificate in Living Room Celebrating Three Days Without Argument

'That concludes the list of students with outstanding grades. And now for those of you with outstanding student loan payments...'

"We have a fund with a new, advanced financial strategy but it hasn't been tested on humans.''

A waiter strictly adhering to his religion

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"The face of the pear-shaped man reminded me of the mashed turnips that Aunt Mildred used to serve alongside the Thanksgiving turkey. As he got out of the strawberry-hued car, his immense fists looked like two slabs of slightly gnawed ham. He waddled over

'The first thing I gotta do is pay off my loan. My roommate loaned me 6 bucks last week for beer.'

'You're not smiling, Stan. I guess my credit is a horror story.'

'Well £60 million is LESS than I'm used to...but now that we've agreed my bonus, what working capital will the Bank have?'

"Officer, the washing machine ate my brother!"

"It's from your student loan office."

A tiny man living inside an ATM gives away money.

I've decided to get Elon Musk to send me for a trip around the moon in two years. I set up a Gofundme page to crowdsource money for it. My goal is to raise ten billion dollars. That shouldn't be too hard, considering there are seven billion people on earth. Non of whom are going to give you a dime. I hope not. That would only come to seven hundred million. Annoyed? How'd you like to send me far away? Here's a link to my Gofundme.

BILL & YADDA-YADDA GATES foundation

'Quick, Lassie, our credit cards are maxed! Get help!'

'Aren't you afraid of inaccuracies on your credit report?'

'Can I see someone about a loan?. . . Okay, I'll see Tonto then.'

'A withdrawal? †Oh, the cut-and-run type, eh?'

'Maybe we better airbrush this credit report before applying for a loan.'

"It says sleep deprivation is costing Americans millions of dollars."

Lots of people helping out with the self-service machine.