Critic T-Shirts

"We believe that in a former life she was an editor."

"Look, a shooting star- let's critique it!"

The Algonquin Round Table

"Well - and I'm not just saying this because you're my husband - it stinks."

"Now you can send it."

Reading my Critics

'Brilliant! I love it! I'll give you ?25,000!'

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

"I can see you drew heavily from your own bad writing."

'That's enough about me, now let's concentrate on you. What did you think of my performance?'

'Oh I've always been a sceptic, through all my past lives.'

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Divine Intervention

'Critico, ergo sum.'

"His schlock has gravitas."

Vladimir Nabokov.

'He wants to know what we're up to, so he cans tart demythologizing it.'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

Virginia Woolf

'I'm a reviewer now.'

"What a loser. Only a bronze?"

Constructive Criticism 50c.

Illustration for 'Wives and Daughters', scene 3.

Critic software

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

'I'm currently having my autobiography reviewed to seperate the actual events from my fantasies.'

Ezra Pound.

'Of course the plot's ridiculous, it's Opera.'

Bucky's allegory.

Bernard Levin

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

Large, medium and small judges give their scores.

'It feels good to make a difference.'

'Felton,has it occured to you that you may have taken a talent for self-effacement a bit too far?'

Newspaper editor says to woman: 'Agnes, you review children's picture books �' please stop saying 'I read it in one sitting.''