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"Objection, leading the witness."

'Your Honour, I call Nigel from the Pub ... expert witness on whatever you like.'

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"As a mitigating circumstance, may I say that my client's getaway car was a hybrid."

"And today if the prosecutor says 'Liar, liar, pants on fire,' do not turn around to check."

'My client would like to plead the Fifth Amendment, Your Honor, and any other Amendment that you feel might be appropriate.'

'These next few questions may make you a little uncomfortable. I hope they do. You look way too comfortable.'

'At the end of that round the score now stands at...'

'Business is slow. Go and throw a few banana skins on the pavement.'

"May I represent you across the street?"

"I'm not technically a quote-unquote lawyer, but I do own a paper shredder and have visited several prisons."

"Change it to, 'not guilty by reason of personal health issues.' Mentioning insanity violates my right to privacy."

'How can you sue them for defamation of character, if you don't have any?'

I'm a defense attorney and this clown is our consultant in the event the case becomes a media circus.

'You can plead 'guilty,' or you can plead 'not guilty' - You can't plead 'no big deal'!'

'Yeah? -- Well, there's a thin line between being a strict constructionist and being a stupid jerk!'

'Oh, he's been a bad dog all right - why else would he lawyer up?'

'How much would it cost me to ask you a question?' - 'What's your second question?'

"Oops. I aggravated an old arbitration injury."

'Your first trial?'

Law book with a devil's tail bookmark.

'Are these billable hours?'

'I'd like to put this tongue depressor in your mouth. Will you please sign the waiver?'

"His ingrowing solicitor was playing up again."

"To think you were worried she'd get the shirt off your back!"

"I'm working as fast as I can, Mr. Sims. There are only so many billable hours in a day, you know."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"I wish I had done more pro bono work. I need the tax write offs."

"I never promised I would get you off. I alleged it."

"And if, in court, you need to varnish the truth, don't make it high gloss."

"I told you we should have had separate trials."

Two lawyers in a royal court

Barristers playing leap-frog

"I can handle being disbarred. It's the disbilled part that really hurts."

'I've been sued. Can I counter-sue for the stress caused by being sued?'