Courtroom Jester Pillows

"Objection, leading the witness."

'Your Honour, I call Nigel from the Pub ... expert witness on whatever you like.'

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"As a mitigating circumstance, may I say that my client's getaway car was a hybrid."

"And today if the prosecutor says 'Liar, liar, pants on fire,' do not turn around to check."

'My client would like to plead the Fifth Amendment, Your Honor, and any other Amendment that you feel might be appropriate.'

'These next few questions may make you a little uncomfortable. I hope they do. You look way too comfortable.'

'At the end of that round the score now stands at...'

'Business is slow. Go and throw a few banana skins on the pavement.'

"I'm not technically a quote-unquote lawyer, but I do own a paper shredder and have visited several prisons."

"May I represent you across the street?"

"Change it to, 'not guilty by reason of personal health issues.' Mentioning insanity violates my right to privacy."

'How can you sue them for defamation of character, if you don't have any?'

'Yeah? -- Well, there's a thin line between being a strict constructionist and being a stupid jerk!'

'Oh, he's been a bad dog all right - why else would he lawyer up?'

'How much would it cost me to ask you a question?' - 'What's your second question?'

I'm a defense attorney and this clown is our consultant in the event the case becomes a media circus.

'You can plead 'guilty,' or you can plead 'not guilty' - You can't plead 'no big deal'!'

"I'm working as fast as I can, Mr. Sims. There are only so many billable hours in a day, you know."

"To think you were worried she'd get the shirt off your back!"

Law book with a devil's tail bookmark.

"Oops. I aggravated an old arbitration injury."

'I'd like to put this tongue depressor in your mouth. Will you please sign the waiver?'

'OK, Mrs. Huber. Why don't you step over here and start trying on some of these, and we'll make your case iron-clad.'

'Are these billable hours?'

"His ingrowing solicitor was playing up again."

'Your first trial?'

'Yes... the truth will set you free... but so will a damn good attorney.'

"Sorry, but 'what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' is not a recognized legal precedent."

'These are our best sellers.'

'I'm used to having my decisions overturned since I've been married 20 years.'

"I wish I had done more pro bono work. I need the tax write offs."

'I got 10 years and my lawyer got 15!'

"Objection. Counsel is painting an unrealistic portrait of the witness."

'There is something I have been meaning to mention since I was named to the Supreme Court... I've never actually read the Constitution.'