Courtroom Drama Gifts

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

"You can't plead cute."

"Did you or did you not employ a leash to drag your cairn terrier, Jack, away from the corner of Park Avenue and Sixty-fifth Street in spite of his making every effort to clearly indicate to you that he wished to stay where he was?"

"Are you telling me that just because something is against the law, that makes it illegal?"

"If you want justice, it's two hundred dollars an hour. Obstruction of justice runs a bit more."

"At first I was the aggressor but as he got the upper hand it became clear I was the victim."

'Perhaps you would like to rephrase your last answer.'

"A unique and stirring plea, counselor."

'What makes you think my client is a flight risk?'

"Can we, just for a moment, your Honor, ignore the facts?"

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Absolutely! Where there's smoke there's fire."

"It was WORSE than guilty! - The jury found me NONCOMPLIANT!"

'Trust me - the jury like you.'

'Well, I've never called an expert witness on expert witnesses before...'

'Your hindsight on this case, was far more accurate than his forsight.'

"My fees are quite high, and yet you say you have little money. I think I'm seeing a conflict of interest here."

'Your honor, if hiring a lawyer with a track record as bad as mine doesn't prove my client's insanity, I don't know what does,'

'You have been tried and convicted of insider trading. Have you any last tips to offer before I pronounce sentence?'

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

Closing arguments.

'Great news Roger. The court has finally agreed access rights - you can see your father again!'

"You're going to do time, but I'm trying to get it in dog years."

Devil on trial - "We find the defendant guilty of being in the details."

'I realize that hearsay evidence isn't admissible by the court, Your Honor, but you're going to love this!'

"I'm happy to say that my final judgement of a case is almost always consistent with my prejudgement of the case."

'Do you plead guilty or not guilty?'

'And so 'Your Honor'... if that really is your name...'

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and not in some sneaky relativistic way?"

"The Court finds itself on the horns of a dilemma. On the one hand, wiretap evidence is inadmissible, and on the other hand I'm dying to hear it."

"Make eye contact with the jury, but not homicidal-maniac eye contact."

'Court is in session, the jury is seated and, when the counselors have stretched out properly, we will proceed with opening statements.'

'My client would like to plead the Fifth Amendment, Your Honor, and any other Amendment that you feel might be appropriate.'

'You wouldn't understand, Your Honor -- it's a guy thing.'

As it turned out, that was a lie too.