Courtroom Charm Gifts

"I have an interview with a law firm. I hope to make an impression."

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Your Honor, we're going to go with the prosecution's spin."

I love Lawyers

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

'Normally, I hate a rush to judgement - but I'm doing this case pro bono.'

"I've learned something in this trial. My firm needs to hire that prosecutor."

"I object!" "Overruled!"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Well, heck! If all you smart cookies agree, who am I to dissent?"

"I've asked you not to overrule me in front of the children."

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

The Birth of a Lawsuit

"I'm not leading the witness; I'm winding up my segment on heinous crimes!"

'The Grand Jury doesn't understand me...'

"In a just world we'd have 'No Lawyer Left Behind'."

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

Contest of wills.

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'Don't blame the lawyer!'

"...And the court awards you twenty five thousand for the loss of faculty in your right arm."

"Please accept the apologies of this court. You're free to go now, and, by the way, here's your DNA back."

'At first it was a few dollars here and a few dollars there. Then I realized I'd have to pay my lawyer.'

Antonin Scalia

'Every day, I'm suing better and better...'

"To indict or not to indict... No, to charge or not to charge... No..." "Don't worry. I know how this turns out." "Mueller's Hamlet"

PARALEGAL, 'Hi -- I'm a paracriminal.'

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to sue, and he'll eat for a lifetime."

Criminal Stupidness

"That's right, think of yourself all the time! I'm the one who will be losing a client for the next twenty years."

"Do I have to answer that? I wanted to sell all this stuff to the tabloids!"

"Your illegal pursuit of happiness has resulted in a sentence of life without liberty!"

"Well, my daddy always says it's not a lie unless the Grand Jury says it's a lie."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, on the basis of a previously undiagnosed and untreated case of Integrity Deficit Disorder!"

The evangelist turned lawyer's opening arguments were unconvincing