Course Comedialist Pillows

'I'd use a wedge.'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"Three more years of high school."

'He does.'

Graduates on their phones

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

Every class has one. . .

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

How James and John became known as "Sons of Thunder".

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

Gopher underground hit by golf tee.

'Hello. My father is an attorney. This is how I allegedly spent my summer vacation.'

Football Delivery

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

"I'm you, from the future, here to deliver a witty comeback line."

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

'My people have 253 words for snow, but only three for sub-prime mortgage.'

Cartoonist Checkups

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

"Before we begin today, may I say that both my client and I were astonished that Your Honor was not nominated for the Supreme Court?"

'I stopped watching Sesame Street the second I found out it was educational.'

'Do you know the Lincolnshire poacher?'

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

'He says he's training to be a world champion weightlifter - With a knife and fork.'

"You say you want me to do well in school. I thought you'd be more excited that I can burp the alphabet!"

"Mr. Mullins did say I should stroke you but I didn't think he meant it literally."

Cracked Quacks Strip: Cosmetic surgeon mix up.

"I now pronounce you guilty."

"I hope they're not fake commandments!"