Couples Comedy Fan Gifts

"Sometimes I run the recording of my own wedding backwards showing me coming out of the church a free man."

"Have I been a good husband, Audrey?"

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

Standard & Poor

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

Yakety-Yak

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

'Let's face it George: we're not spring chickens anymore...'

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

'An this good luck charm is to commemorate when our turtle ran away. He's the one who took Jim's pinkie.'

'Your car's ready, but drive carefully for awhile. I had to give the student an 'F' for the work he did on it.'

'The penguin is upset...'

"We don't use good and bad lists anymore. Now we have stupid, really stupid and completely nuts lists."

'More toys! The way you kids spend, you must think bananas grow on trees.'