Couples Comedy Fan Gifts

"Sometimes I run the recording of my own wedding backwards showing me coming out of the church a free man."

"Have I been a good husband, Audrey?"

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

Standard & Poor

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"Two of every known creature on the planet and you forgot the pooper-scooper?"

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

The first case of resume padding.

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Yakety-Yak

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

"Don't go in there!!"

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

'An this good luck charm is to commemorate when our turtle ran away. He's the one who took Jim's pinkie.'

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

'Let's face it George: we're not spring chickens anymore...'

'Your car's ready, but drive carefully for awhile. I had to give the student an 'F' for the work he did on it.'

'More toys! The way you kids spend, you must think bananas grow on trees.'