Counting Champ Pillows

"Whenever I try counting my flock I fall asleep."

Inclusive speech

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'

"Arithmetic gets a lot harder when you run out of fingers and toes."

'Is there such a thing as over communicating?'

'Eleven?.. you mean there's more numbers beyond the number of fingers we have?'

"I did my 10,000 steps by looking for my reading glasses."

"A hacker logged into my fitness tracker and stole all my steps."

"Is this your husbands first flight?"

'No more appointments today, Miss Mitchell. I'm all psyched out.'

Bird on phone: 'Hold on, I have caw waiting.'

At 4 years old most kids can say easy straightforward sentences.

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

'Your mother and I are worried that all these video games might be having an effect on you.'

Nature Scents Research Department.

'If you want to save your marriage, tell each other you're sorry.' 'Youre sorry!'

'We're never going to sort out our marital problems like this. Can't we speak to one of your colleagues, darling?'

'Have you noticed that when you're on a diet the food you cheat with tastes so much better.'

'The bad news is that we've had to inform clients of drastic cuts to services...We managed to do it in 17 languages!'

"Once again, the answer is no."

"'Wash the Car'? Isn't that nepotism?"

"Your issue should be simple to resolve. I'll just go and get someone less qualified to help you."

Her older brothers always made her go down to the basement first. She wasn't afraid. The monster wasn't down there. It was upstairs, under her bed.

"Anyway, Her Royal Highness here insists I'm sarcastic."

"King me!"

Buffing Cars.

"If you don't want me to sound like that when I imitate you, then don't sound like that when you talk to me."

'Four million, eight hundred seventeen thousand sixty three... two? Wait... four... wait, oh boy, I probably should have been writing this down.'

"Family game night rocks! Especially when the winner decides what his prize is!"

"Gaudeamus igitur, Juvenes dum sumus; Post jucundam juventutem, post molestam senectutem nos habebit humus."

Edwin Pobursky, sign-language interpreter for deaf-mute callers.