Counting Champ Pillows

"Whenever I try counting my flock I fall asleep."

Inclusive speech

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

"Arithmetic gets a lot harder when you run out of fingers and toes."

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'

'Is there such a thing as over communicating?'

We never got anything done around here until we invented verbs.

'Eleven?.. you mean there's more numbers beyond the number of fingers we have?'

"I did my 10,000 steps by looking for my reading glasses."

"A hacker logged into my fitness tracker and stole all my steps."

"Is this your husbands first flight?"

'No more appointments today, Miss Mitchell. I'm all psyched out.'

Bird on phone: 'Hold on, I have caw waiting.'

'Then in the next round, I said to Carol, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant...'

At 4 years old most kids can say easy straightforward sentences.

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

I'm no longer welcome at the county fair.

'Your mother and I are worried that all these video games might be having an effect on you.'

Nature Scents Research Department.

"What setting do I use for this?"

'If you want to save your marriage, tell each other you're sorry.' 'Youre sorry!'

'Have you noticed that when you're on a diet the food you cheat with tastes so much better.'

"Once again, the answer is no."

"Your issue should be simple to resolve. I'll just go and get someone less qualified to help you."

"'Wash the Car'? Isn't that nepotism?"

'We're never going to sort out our marital problems like this. Can't we speak to one of your colleagues, darling?'

'The bad news is that we've had to inform clients of drastic cuts to services...We managed to do it in 17 languages!'

Her older brothers always made her go down to the basement first. She wasn't afraid. The monster wasn't down there. It was upstairs, under her bed.

"Anyway, Her Royal Highness here insists I'm sarcastic."

"King me!"

Buffing Cars.

"If you don't want me to sound like that when I imitate you, then don't sound like that when you talk to me."

'Four million, eight hundred seventeen thousand sixty three... two? Wait... four... wait, oh boy, I probably should have been writing this down.'

"Gaudeamus igitur, Juvenes dum sumus; Post jucundam juventutem, post molestam senectutem nos habebit humus."

Edwin Pobursky, sign-language interpreter for deaf-mute callers.