Couch Contemplator T-Shirts

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

Studies show foods work miracles!

'Seriously. You have to get one of these.'

"First break since 2008."

"Can you hypnotise me into being in shape?"

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

"You're overthinking it. Sometimes a belly rub is just a belly rub."

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

How to be a Dynamic Over-achiever

'As your financial advisor, I'd have to advise you to change your main income provider,'

Axel, I notice you read a lot of highbrow books

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

"I'm an agnostic now that I've started having self doubts."

"Tom, let's explore why you feel Andrea's inability to understand 'icing the puck' is passive-aggressive."

The Anti-Materialist

Congratulations! - You have been nominated for the Turner Prize...

The big questions in life.

"Helen, is it just the accountant in me, or am I sensing a tone of wistful melancholy and a bittersweet acceptance of the unfathomable mysteries of corporate life in those numbers?"

"When I grow up, I want to impeach a president."

"Shhh - he's trying open his third nostril."

His new 'Absence of Anything' reminds me strangely of his earlier blank 'Nothing to Say' canvasses."

'Your dilemma is fabulous. Imagine what a dramaturge could do with it.'

'You cant do anything these days without someone suspecting your motives. . . there is only one way out. . . inaction.'

'We cut it into teensy-weensy squares.'

All kidding aside, let me explain why I get to call you Al, yet you have to call me Dr. Kapuchnik. It's simply because I'm a psychiatrist and you're a bum. It's nothing personal. Thanks for explaining. I feel better.

"I suppose we could burst onto the literary scene."