Cost-conscious Cracker Pillows

'It was hard enough making ends meet when it was just the two of us. Now we have a baby and suddenly there's four more stomachs to feed.'

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

"What I'd give for a stimulating conversation..."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'Excuse me, sir. Could you spare $2000,000 to treat an uninsurable pre-existing condition?'

'You reek of crackers.'

'This could be a very expensive operation — I'm going to refer you to the Federal Government.'

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'Dear father for what I am about to receive I give thee thanks.'

"Maybe I've been brainwashed, but at this point I do believe I actually want a goddamn cracker."

'...And an extra packet of crackers! It's our Anniversary!'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

Do Not Enter and No U Turns

'Before we unload him, he'd like a written price support.'

A parrot business meeting

C is for Cracker

'...On the other hand - the examined life sucks too.'

Polly want a cracker?

"Oh, you mellow with age alright: I even like the postman now..."

'Open wide.' 'Your wallet.'

"That fly paper's paid for itself."

Looking for the vaccine

"And another thing. When they start telling you 'You've still got it,' you don't."

'I know you're trying to keep health care costs down - but what kind of life support systems are these?'

"Poor Sadie, this Pesach she finally cracked."

"Natasha cuts diagnosis costs."

'Where did you get the idea that crackers are a minimum daily requirement?'