Cosmic Accountant Pillows

'WHAT??! 3.695.897 euro for the pizza delivery service??!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'The good news is we've discovered a vast new oil resource. The bad news is we need a space ship to get there.'

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

And this is a little ditty I wrote called 'the third quarters profit and loss account' ...Colin often wished that he'd followed his first love and taken up a career as a musician

"Lucky for you, you died during a bear market."

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

Branson space shot

Tax Preparer. I'm working on my client's tax returns. Mars, being the "red planet," is claiming a business operating loss. Jupiter, with all those moons, takes deductions for almost 70 dependents. And earth has no new nations this year ... so no "capitol gains" to declare. Did Mercury lower his taxes? Yeah, he's eligible for a huge solar energy tax credit!

"The first bill is always a shock-everyone thinks Heaven will be free."

'Bad news, fellas... it's inventory time.'

'One day son, all of this will be yours.'

'The U.S. Treasury announced today that the federal deficit will no longer be measured in 'trillions' of dollars, but in 'light-years'.'

Rhinestone Accountant

"I'd like to explore the futures market."

'Put the teeth away. I'm the Audit Fairy.'

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

F.B.I. Financial Fraud Investigation Unit. The accountant passed his lie detector test. Where should I file the result? In "accounts believable."

TPP

"Be careful - these things have consequences. Tax consequences."

"Fred doesn't take photos. He relives our vacation memories by viewing credit card receipts."

"Sin tax? I love it."

IRS, 'Sorry, but you can't count them as dependents before they hatch.'

"I'm their accountant. Trust me - I'm the one you want to get lucky with."

"Ted wants to bring the fan back into accounting"

'Intriguing theory, Dr. Kleinherz, but the fact that the Universe is expanding doesn't necessarily mean that God is a capitalist.'

'I led a long and happy life. Twenty business cycles.'

'I realize that this may be carping, but I never did live long enough to enjoy my I.R.A. account.'

IRS - 'You had NO earned income last year?', 'That's what my boss said.'

'I see you've laid up for yourselves treasures in heaven. Is this some sort of tax dodge?'

"If there's discrepancies in my tax returns, don't blame me. Blame the guy in the alley I paid $20 to do them."

'Apparently it's no longer cost effective.'

"I look after her tax affairs for �1,000 - she wanted �2,000 but that's all I could afford."

"What do you mean, it's not tax deductible?!"

'Forget the early withdrawal penalty. What I'm taking out, I didn't put in!'