Corporate Jargon Interpreter Pillows

"It's a new role, very much in line with the firms new zeitgeist aiming at a new target rich, challenging resource lean environment."

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontation verbal interfacing.

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'We no longer call it 'hiring' - we now call it 'insourcing'.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'

'There's an absence of leadership in this authority,we need to explore the possibility of thinking about setting up a sub-committee to look into it.'

"'Autonomy' is the new BUZZ word! We have to unleash our staff. Professionals like you need to be free to use your own judgement, manage your own workloads...use your initiative."

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

"I swear, Bob, if you say "I'll think about it and circle back to you" one more time...X"

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

Terms and conditions on the mount

"You're all redundant."

'Don't you all feel energised, full of enthusiasm for the future!'

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

'The new role will involve some EXTRA responsibilities...of course you'll appreciate that there won't be any extra funding...It's a role for which you are uniquely qualified!'

'Ms. Kravetz, find me a euphemism to describe this productivity gain somewhere between resource action and you're all fired.'

More of what people often say (and what they really mean)

"That wasn't daydreaming; I was internalizing my goal targeted self performance metrics."

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

"Herewith, we recommend the following: when you're up to your rear in alligators, it's worth remembering your original purpose was to drain the swamp...."

"As I mentioned before, Fassler, you'll never go anywhere until you start using 'impact' as a verb."

In-Basket: 'Value Deficient'... Out-Basket: 'Value Added'

"A 'take charge' guy would be nice but I'm looking for more of the 'take blame' type."

We all know we're up against a new ball game, a paradigm shift and a game changer, but luckily the cliches remain the same.

"Would you stop quoting Sir John Harvey Jones!"

"Nice speech. A blend of the aspirational and pie-in-the-sky nonsense."

"We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontational verbal interfacing."