Corporate Jargon Decipherer Pillows

"So considering the data related to Blah! Blah! Receivables taking into account offshore tax deductibles before blah...."

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

'We no longer call it 'hiring' - we now call it 'insourcing'.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'There's an absence of leadership in this authority,we need to explore the possibility of thinking about setting up a sub-committee to look into it.'

"'Autonomy' is the new BUZZ word! We have to unleash our staff. Professionals like you need to be free to use your own judgement, manage your own workloads...use your initiative."

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

Developing links within business.

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

'No Farnsworth, I'm not firing you. I'm enhancing your advancement opportunities.'

Terms and conditions on the mount

Customer help - jargon talking i-diot.

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

'Don't you all feel energised, full of enthusiasm for the future!'

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

"You're all redundant."

Translating Contractor to English

"And in order to align the designated objectives withthe fiscally driven cross functional departmental...did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

"Well, now it's been explained to you, 'Market Share' does not mean we want to share the market."

"You call this a brief. It's thirty pages long."

'The new role will involve some EXTRA responsibilities...of course you'll appreciate that there won't be any extra funding...It's a role for which you are uniquely qualified!'

"Herewith, we recommend the following: when you're up to your rear in alligators, it's worth remembering your original purpose was to drain the swamp...."

"That wasn't daydreaming; I was internalizing my goal targeted self performance metrics."

"The Company has drawn a line under me and moved on."

'Ms. Kravetz, find me a euphemism to describe this productivity gain somewhere between resource action and you're all fired.'

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

A man is looking at a sign saying Exhibition of art exhibition jargon.

"As I mentioned before, Fassler, you'll never go anywhere until you start using 'impact' as a verb."

In-Basket: 'Value Deficient'... Out-Basket: 'Value Added'