Corporate Jargon Decoder Pillows

'The new role will involve some EXTRA responsibilities...of course you'll appreciate that there won't be any extra funding...It's a role for which you are uniquely qualified!'

The secret of the business language

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'We no longer call it 'hiring' - we now call it 'insourcing'.'

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'There's an absence of leadership in this authority,we need to explore the possibility of thinking about setting up a sub-committee to look into it.'

"'Autonomy' is the new BUZZ word! We have to unleash our staff. Professionals like you need to be free to use your own judgement, manage your own workloads...use your initiative."

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

Developing links within business.

'No Farnsworth, I'm not firing you. I'm enhancing your advancement opportunities.'

"You're all redundant."

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

Terms and conditions on the mount

'Ask NOT what your country can do you...but what gender neutral policy initiatives can be put up for discussion and negotiation within a framework of ZERO fiscal resource allocation...'

Customer help - jargon talking i-diot.

Translating Contractor to English

"And in order to align the designated objectives withthe fiscally driven cross functional departmental...did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

"Well, now it's been explained to you, 'Market Share' does not mean we want to share the market."

"You call this a brief. It's thirty pages long."

"Herewith, we recommend the following: when you're up to your rear in alligators, it's worth remembering your original purpose was to drain the swamp...."

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

"The Company has drawn a line under me and moved on."

More of what people often say (and what they really mean)

"That wasn't daydreaming; I was internalizing my goal targeted self performance metrics."

"I have some character-building news for you."

A man is looking at a sign saying Exhibition of art exhibition jargon.

"As I mentioned before, Fassler, you'll never go anywhere until you start using 'impact' as a verb."

In-Basket: 'Value Deficient'... Out-Basket: 'Value Added'

"Would you stop quoting Sir John Harvey Jones!"