Corporate Crime Gifts

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

In basket-case.

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"Maybe our beloved founder is trying to tell us something."

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

'Risky, but I like it!'

"Whoa! Back up a second... 'R & D' stands for 'Research & Development?' We always thought it meant 'Rip-off & Distribute!'"

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

"If I've got to work for a tyrant . . . I may as well work for myself."

"Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them?"

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

'Lateral hires are always told we do things differently here.'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'This is a personal insult to me and my family. Paulie, word is you regifted that horse's head I gave you last month. . .'

Sportswasher's

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

"I advise a slow, steady stream of lawsuits to weaken your enemies resistance. We call it time release litigation."

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"Did you remember to whack the cat?"

'I hate it when EVERYONE is a whistle blower.'

This is your last warning, Jimmy - You break your pinky promise, we break your pinky.

'They aren't shy about cutting you out of the decision making process.'

'Did you get the hit man Frankie?'

Political Integrity Explained

"Encouraging dissent is a good way of finding out who the traitors are."

"So, while extortion, racketeering, and murder may be bad acts, they don't make you a bad person."

'What you're asking me to do goes against my principles. I'll have to charge extra for that.'

"Let me guess. You had it up to here with the world of business, so you packed it all in and started your own winery."