Corporate Communications Pillows

'That's a new word legal came up with. They're still working on a definition for it.'

"It's simple, really. Just figure out what the honorable thing to do is – and make it look like we did it."

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

Shareholders Meeting - "That is a very good question - next question, please."

'Fenster, this memo accurately describes the human condition...but our job is to generate profits, not insights.'

'There's a simple explanation for this, but our friends in Legal can make it incomprehensibly complicated.'

'In our press release, stress that our strategic focus will be on solving society's problems. This is code for making a bundle of money.'

"Issue a press release that the financial director's departure was amicable."

"Linda, is it proper etiquette to announce layoffs via a Tweet?"

'That's not what I meant when I ordered a product recall.'

'Issue a non-denial denial.'

"Deidre's right. 'Challenging current dynamics' sounds better than SNAFU."

"Of course I attend the meetings but I'm more of a lurker,"

"A simple 'NAY' will suffice, Gransby, instead of 'Oh HELL no.'"

"This year let's choose a Christmas card design that reflects the situation the country is in. Let's go for a design that says: Bah humbug!"

"We need to work on our people-friendly image you jackass."

"Excellent report! Totally incomprehensible and confusing! Not one of our board members will understand a word! Absolutely perfect!"

"In this meeting I will slowly read aloud everything in yesterday's email."

"Wipe that smile off your face! This is a hostile takeover!"

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'Look, it's a memo from the boss about layoffs. . . He put a :-) at the end of it.'

'Sorry I missed your last memo, Big Guy.'

'And I can assure you, Bob, those rumours of a hostile takeover are completely false!'

"That's it? That's the minority report?"

We're polishing our brand.

Union organizer in a hostile workplace. . .

"I can't give you ballpark figures, Al. The best I can do is ballparkish figures."

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

Welcome to the Team

He was destined for greatness. Whatever that meant.

"Hello? Speaking, not listening."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"