Corporate Communication Gifts

Giving feedback is a complex process.

Boss: 'Change is good!' Employees: 'Who's getting fired?'

'You have seven phone messages telling you to check your e-mail, and thirteen e-mails telling you to answer your phone.'

'I have good news and bad news. The problem is, I don't know which is which.'

"Did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

"Can you do another draft of this? There's still a couple of sentences people might understand..."

"Now this chart should clear up any confusion you have with the report."

'To sum up, today's business world can be divided into 2 categories: companies that get it, and companies that don't!' 'Get what?' 'Make that 3 categories.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'I have some specific, unknown objectives for you to achieve.'

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'Jenkins, get me all you've got on hindsight.'

"I know this is just my humble opinion, but it's backed by the most comprehensive rumor, gossip and speculation this office can provide!"

'Sorry, but this report is simply unacceptable. Way too much mumbo... not nearly enough jumbo.'

'Communications is a problem here. I never even knew we had an East-Coast Division!'

"Head office says that transparency in communicating internally and with clients is of paramount importance..."

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"Hey! How about giving me some benchmarks?"

Chief Buyer - I'm busy dump your card with the others

'Can't we handle this through more impersonal channels, like text messaging?'

'It's damage control. Until we get this sorted out I'd rather you didn't do or say anything to make matters worse.'

Business man to lady: 'I thought the meeting was thorough and complete. I didn't understand a word that was said.'

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

'Fine presentation, Matthews, but, lose the wiggle dance.'

'Your proposal sounds interesting. Can you send me a written proposal? I cannot reread a phone call.'

The finance department finally achieved their ambition to produce a report that no-one could understand...

'In terms of vision, this company has lost its way. Is anybody here good with GPS?'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

'To avoid repetition, in our next release... change some of the mumbo-jumbo... to jumbo-mumbo...'

'It appears the 'What?'s have it.'

I've left your pin on the map, but I've loosened it.

'That's Coleman. He's as honest as they come, which is why we never tell him what we're doing.'

"Tell them to go to hell, but in a nice way."

"I'll grip but I won't grin."

'At least the boss knows your name. His memo says, 'If Syms were an e-mail, I'd delete him.''