Corporate Comic Seeker Pillows

Day One of training for the typical new worker.

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"This seat with extra legroom is great."

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"He treated associates like he treated his plants."

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'Remember, my door is always open Higgins, just be careful of the trap door.'

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'In the interest of spending more time with my children, I've put Bobby and Emily in charge of corporate strategy.'

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

'This is the latest management structure...It'll help you see where you fit in...'

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"I don't make the rules around here. I just enshrine them."

'Kroogshank, why do I think that you try to hide from responsibility?'

"We're still the same, great company we've always been, only we've ceased to exist."

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

'I'll be a little late with those reports, sir -- my desk organizer crashed.'

'I do good work... unfortunately, I don't do it here.'

'All of your references say you play well with others, but there's nothing in here about you actually doing any work.'

Man reading 'How not to get caught.'

When you talk about my debt to society, I thought that only referred to criminals.

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."