Corporate Black Humorist Pillows

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."