Corporate Black Humorist Pillows

The Rebuilding Begins Again

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."