Comedic Corporate Humorist Pillows

'He's not in the office this week. He's visiting his offshore money.'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."