Corporate Culture Comedian Pillows

'There's a simple explanation for this, but our friends in Legal can make it incomprehensibly complicated.'

'You're not alone...plenty of other employers have union officials on paid leave for training!'

If Santa merged with Fed-Ex: 'Package puckup at 3340 Hudson street? Have you been naughty or nice?'

'You're not taking this bonus cap thing seriously.'

The world's most uncomfortable guy on his first day at work. 'This company is run by all my ex-girlfriends.'

Very innovative, Wilkinshaw... but could you just read out the minutes of the last meeting as usual please?

"Okay, Olson, you're the team retriever for today."

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'