Cooking Disaster Survivor Pillows

'Stop complaining or I'll take you home and serve you some of my husband's cooking!'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

Snow & Flo series: Questionable cooking.

'My hero!'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

"Elaine! The avocados are ripe—what do we do? What do we do?"

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

"You've actually done something even Gordon Ramsay can't do-burn the salad!"

"Maybe we were wrong to hire him just because he looks good in paper."

"He cooks under the guidance of a smoke alarm."

"Do you mind if your soup is a bit crunchy?"

'Today was a bit of a disaster.' - 'First I cut my finger and bled everywhere, then I lost my plaster while I was cooking.' - 'Do you want the last bowl of pumpkin soup?' - 'No, it's okay. You go for it.'

Dave's How to Puke Book.

Chinese restaurant: In case of emergency break glass (Knife and fork).

"I never use the oven timer. The smoke alarms are louder."

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

'Call an emergency church supper! The freezer's gone out!'

'May I have your attention! I dropped my car keys in the soup, if you find them, please return them. They're my only set.'

"Is this dinner or the effects of global warming?"

'That new recipe didn't quite work out. Do you fancy popping down to the chippy?'

"Your dinner will be later than expected, but how much later depends on where you go for it."

"There's been an accident in the kitchen." "I know, I've just eaten it."

Setting fire to the Christmas Pud.

"I can hear the smoke alarm.Is dinner ready?"

"Could Doctor see him now-I have the dinner to cook."

Smoke gets in your eyes.

'You idiot! I said don't forget to thaw the turkey!'

'Don't worry, it's all dark meat.'

"Apparently after your fifth bout of food poisoning they suggest you take one home."

'What d'you mean,Doris-you,ve burnt OUR dinner,and hers NEXT door,and hers NEXT door again and...?'

'You must be the only wife who uses a smoke alarm as a food timer!'

Murphy's Slaw.