Conversation Whisperer Gifts

"With your kind permission, I've taken the liberty of putting Marvin on 'mute'."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

"Nope, I still only have one bar."

"Tech-support has confirmed it. Screaming and hitting the computer won't solve the problem. You'll have to try something else."

He then drew a number of smaller pie charts behind the bigger chart. That helped to put it into perspective.

'He's a catch for any woman - there's so much to re-mould'

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

Quiz Night...

Man and Machine snoozing

Computer help.

Harris, our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done.

Relationship Issues.

"Well, at first I didn't like him. But then his creepiness just grew on me."

'He's never there for me.'

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

"Can you help me? I'm having a little trouble working the shredder."

'I think both of you are always too busy: You don't talk anymore...'

"Your first job is to learn to recognize your boss' voice on the phone."

'Oh great, a machine with an attitude.'

"Just got back from the client meeting and great news. . . your work isn't dead. It's beaten senseless and run over by a dump truck...but still very much alive."

"Living brings up a lot of issues for him."

'It's not working because it claims it can think and has decided not to.'

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

'Why are they called the opposite sex?'

"Where do you see yourself in five moves?"

"Excuse me for a moment. It's my idiot husband."

Cellular Plan

"If only girls came with drop-down menus and online help. . ."

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

Interpreters.

"He likes to make clients feel important..."

'I want all of you to pay attention as though your job depended upon it.'