Conversation Controller Gifts

First lesson: Shoot first, do not ask questions later. Questions show weakness. Shoot? Insult, taunt, criticize, tear them to shreds. You've got to put people on the defensive, whether it's a competitor, your boss, your mate, your hairdresser. It's a wonder my hairdresser can hold the scissors the way I make her hands quaver. My bangs can be uneven. But I own that woman! If you're loud enough, anything can sound logical.

'What have you got to say for yourself? Or would you rather hear about me?'

"Where else in the world would you get such wonderful sunsets?"

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"What I'd give for a stimulating conversation..."

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

So you're a mocking bird...

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"He's sworn never to say Boudicca, ShrOwsbury, whoM, or narrative."

"Death Star? Is that in the Valley?"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Ever feel like even when you're barking at something you're still barking at nothing?"

"So, what do you do for play?"

"Gals, you know I hate being the center of attention, so for the next 45 minutes I am going to monologue about all the minute details of my wedding planning."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"Say, when did you get so fluff?"

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Even though I wasn't always perfect, I feel deep down that I am now."

"Who knew we had so many dislikes in common?"

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

What price beauty?

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"He gets easily abstracted."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'