Contemporary Humor Lover Pillows

"I finally memorized my bug number."

"How do you think that makes Gail feel, knowing her only dog is posting naked pictures of herself all over the internet?"

Statue Selfie

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Larry's used art

Grace For Flies

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

...And he calls himself the 'Green' Giant...

'Behold. Ed and Jim have finally reached nirvana.'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pirate boy reciting the alphabet

'Remember only you can prevent forest fires.'

"Why do they do that?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

"Don't worry, they normally look like little humans during the early scans."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

Man painting over a 'You are here' sign.

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

Beach con-man.

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

Clyde thought “Atomic Sparklers” was just an ad gimmick

"Hmm...well...It'll look better when it's finished...!"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"It's not the persistent lack of sunlight or freezing temperatures that bother me - it's the crowds I can't stand."

"States of tofu"