Consumer Experience Analyst Prints

'Inconvenience Foods'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Our website design could be described as "organic"... in the sense that people often compare it to poop."

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"Here’s the thermostat. Like all hotel thermostats, it’s just for show."

"That will be $109.85." "What! Sign says they’re $1.69 each." "Yes, and you have 65 of them."

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'Conglomo Corporation: Proud manufacturer of outrageously useless stuff you apparently can't live without.'

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

'You've been friendly to a customer? You anwered his question competently and solved his problem?? Don't you dare to do that again, mister!!'

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"Any one of these will make the company even richer."

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

Man is attacked by barcodes.

"For our market research, each package needs to be individually marked off and put over there."

'Going into business sale' at a jeweler's.

Suggestions Box

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

'Remember, you're NEVER a stranger in this store because we've got LOADS of shopping data on you!'

"I just want Velveetaaaaaaa!"

"It reminds me of the very first ad that ever swayed me into buying something I didn't really want."

"I'm thinking of skipping the holidays this year, in protest." "Very good, little buddy." "I see you've read chapter 7 of 'Randy "the Rock" Taylor's Guide to Winning Respect'." "Become an admirable person by sacrificing something meaningful to you, in order to help others achieve something meaningful to them." "I'm very proud of you, young grasshopper." "I'm protesting the fact that I can't shop at H&M on Thanksgiving 'cause they'll be closed."

"I want to complain about how long I've had to queue to make my complaint."

"Why don't you try THIS instead?"

"The customer is always right....the customer is ALWAYS right..."

None of those Products 'Changed My Life'

Niche marketing: House of crap - Sale - 50% off.

Friendly bank/Formal bank.

Consumerism junkie.

'You can contact us 3 ways: an email that will be trashed, a fax that will be buried, and a letter which will be lost.'

"I can't see the POINT of all this emphasis on 'customer care'!"

'You may already be a whiner.'