Customer Experience Enthusiast Prints

"We've talked it over and we've decided that you must not really be a customer."

Information: 'Out getting more.'

"Our security cameras just caught you frowning for an instant. Would you plead take a short online survey telling us way?"

"The customer is always right....the customer is ALWAYS right..."

Complaints - Apologies

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

Good Customer Service

'It hurts to hear your customer service could be better, doesn't it?'

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

Shop window - 'Purchase price cheerfully refunded if we're not satisfied'.

Visiting the complaints department.

"Thank you for calling. Your customer care balance is now twenty-two hours and four minutes."

"There's NOTHING Ged won't do for a customer!"

"You estimated wait time before you hang up in frustration is 19 minutes."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

Target your customer.

Direct Marketing...

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

"So what else can we get our customers to do online themselves and charge them for it?"

"We can't make the perfect product, but with a little luck and a lotta data, we can make the perfect customer."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

"I'd recommend this."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

'You've been friendly to a customer? You anwered his question competently and solved his problem?? Don't you dare to do that again, mister!!'

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"Will that be for here or to go?"

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

The competition's customer vs our customer.

"Right, shall we delay the discussion on customer care again and look at the urgent issue of declining sales and plummeting profits."