Conjuring Critic Gifts

"He couldn't get a volunteer from the audience."

"Round and round the cauldron we go, in the exfoliating toner I throw."

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'It never fails. I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism, and everybody accuses me of carping!'

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

Harris, our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done.

"My kid could do that."

How Do You Like My Moseying Along?

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

'Exactly what day is this the soup of?'

Patent Office: ". . . It's a phoneless cord."

"Take a letter, any letter"

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

'In and/or out' sign on door of department of philosophy

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

Tennessee Fascist Book Banning State Licence Plate

"It looks like fecal transplants may do us in."

"You forgot his tail."

"Our house wine is abominable."

Hudibras - 8 - Hudibras beats Sidrophel, and his man Whachum.

Don't walk while cross.

Judgeasaurus

"He may be a famous artist, but I find his work too chocolate-boxy."

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

My first rodeo

'Tell me if this hurts.'

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.